The Modern Life of Caspian X
by Foosemittee
Summary: There are different relationships and none of the Pevensies are dating each other; so be grateful. Caspian has serious issues; his bitchy fiancee Susan and his tendency towards drinking, for instance. It could be hilarious, or it could suck. Whatever.
1. Molestation of Foliage

Cass had no idea what he'd done the night before, but he was pretty sure he'd been drunk…like, drunk as _fuck_.

"Where is the…" he rolled over, searching for a lamp of _something_ that would illuminate the circumstances.

"Get your lazy royal ass up and dressed. The woman you got yourself engaged to is having a ball, remember?" his assistant growled from the phone he'd accidentally turned on in his waking haze.

"Teller I'll go _later,_" he growled, smacking randomly at the phone.

"How hungover are you? You're not even making _words_." his assistant chuckled. "My sister is sooo lucky to have you."

"Your sister can go fuck a dragon," Cass mumbled, finally managing a coherent sentence. He hung up.

Caspian was tired of the royal duties, the calls, the ribbon-cutting, the endless balls—the fact that he had to put up with that witch his parents had forcibly engaged him to. Caspian was grumpy, and when Cass got grumpy, he got drunk. It was the chain of events.

"Hello?" he called out, sliding out of the stranger's bed, glad to find himself fully clothed. "Is there anyone here?"

"Yeah, I know, places to go and people to see, walk of shame, blah blah blah," an ash-blonde girl said almost cheerfully, bustling into the room. She handed him a large Starbucks cup filled to the brim with steaming liquid.

"Um…thanks," Cass muttered, trying to wake himself up. "…uh…"

"Ashley," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Don't worry about not knowing my name; I'm not the girl you were with last night. I'd talk to your doctor about that, by the way…she had some decidedly Snooki-like attributes." Cass followed the girl into her kitchen, where he tried to make sense of his surroundings.

"Why am I here?" he asked, pocketing his cell phone before he could lose it again.

"I found you in the highest branches of my magnolia, trying to tell the entire world your opinion of the popular 'Pretty Little Liars' series. I don't like Toby either, by the way. His tan _does_ look fake." She had her back turned, but from what Cass could see she seemed to be washing dishes.

"Yeah, um…I don't remember any of that…and if my publicity guy is any good, you'll be mightily well compensated if you don't, either," he suggested, frowning and knowing that things were about to get awkward.

"Yes, I know," Ashley replied, sliding a stack of plates into a cabinet. "Just don't molest my foliage again, okay?" She looked back at him seriously. "I mean that…I think you got pretty intimate with the rose bush out front." Cass looked down at himself in surprise, noting that he did indeed have multiple scratches on his arms, and there was a thorn caught in his shoelace.

"I guess I'll see you later then," Cass announced, standing and heading out to call a cab. "Thanks for letting me crash here. I'll try to restrain myself around your garden next time."

…

"Son of a gunslinger," Ed hissed as Cass walked into the mansion he shared with Sue. "Who roughed you up?"

"Apparently, a bush," Peter chuckled. "There's a leaf in your hair, dude." Cass looked in a mirror.

"Yeah…I don't know what I did last night, but according to the chick I met I climbed a tree and fell in her roses or something." Cass yawned. "Where's that beautiful bride-to-be of mine?" he asked, grinning.

"Man, don't even _joke_ about that," Ed grumbled. "The lady's a monster, Cass, I swear. Today she almost shot me. Like, for serious, _shot_, with a friggin' bow and arrow."

"As your publicist, I can't recommend destroying gardens," Peter said seriously. "And as Susan's brother-in-law, I must say, you're screwed."

"Not even," Cass replied. "I don't even get screwed in this deal. I just get a bunch of responsibility I didn't ask for, a crazy Vicodin-addicted royal wife, and the right to be the uncle of your and Ellen's future reproductive successes."

"You forgot to mention that I get to be the godfather to your and Lucy's future illegitimate munchkins," Peter added, grinning. Cass scowled.

"Whoa, not cool, bro," Ed muttered, looking at Peter. "That's my sister you're talking about."

"Ed, I love you, but Lucy's totally—you know, she's all—" Peter paused. "What's a polite way of saying prostitute?"

"I'll show you polite," Ed growled, tackling Peter to the ground.

"Way to show polite," Cass commented, moving further into the house.

"Caspian? Are you home?" A dark-haired girl with average looks and lips that were a little too naturally poofy to be attractive flounced down the marble staircase in a dress that Cass could've sworn he'd seen some celebrity in only a few nights before.

"Yeah, I'm home," Cass grumbled, dropping onto the nearest couch.

"You _do_ know that I've been planning this ball for months…well, years, really...and that you simply _cannot_ be absent, right?" She smiled at him sweetly.

"I'll be there," Cass muttered, reaching for the remote.

"WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?" Susan screamed, grabbing the remote and throwing it across the room, releasing the cloud of anger that Cass had been able to sense as soon as she had smiled.

"Royal business. Top fucking secret." Caspian closed his eyes and tried his best to look asleep.

"Oh? Royal business? Who is she?" Susan stood in front of him with her hands on her hips. "Had a satisfying night, Caspian? I see you've got the scratches to prove it," she snarled, and Cass crossed his arms over his chest.

"Look, bitch, I don't like you and you don't like me. You're free to do whatever the fuck you want as long as you leave me the hell alone. This whole thing is only going down because my parents wouldn't bail me out unless I married your fat ass. I'm going to sleep off my hangover now. If you throw anything at me, or yell again, then I don't think I'll be awake enough to make it to your stupid ball without bringing a ho or two to be my entourage. Bye now. Have fun." With that, he closed his eyes and drifted off.

…


	2. Dragon Lady

_Author's note: Author's notes are so 'My Immortal', people. Don't make me do this. If you think it sucks balls, don't just say "This sucks balls." Tell me why it sucks balls, and whose balls it is sucking. Feel free to be a douche, but be a constructive douche. I'm not pretending to be a great writer on fanfiction, or even a good one. I'm bored, and this is something to do. By the way, I only use 'creative' spelling on occasion, and all my grammar is as proper as a Victorian's panties. So y'all can suck the dick that I don't have. _

_ Love and light, bitch._

Cass stood in the center of the crowded room, surrounded by well-dressed members of high society. Ignoring what conversation was directed at him, he wandered towards the champagne table, and managed to knock back a few before he was noticed.

"You're going to spoil your figure if you keep drinking so much," a slightly familiar voice said quietly. "You don't want to be the _fat _king, do you?" Cass turned to see a sprightly young lady in a black dress. She was also wearing an earpiece.

"So, Ashley the bodyguard," Cass said in pleased surprise. "Upstanding citizen and closet gardener. What's on your list of duties tonight? Rescuing puppies? Implementing new laws in order to stop unjust practices?"

"Actually, I'm here to keep you away from alcoholic beverages, female party guests under the age of fifty, and any nearby hedges," she replied, grabbing his elbow and steering him away from the many stacked glasses.

"Well, aren't you the best babysitter a boy could ask for," Cass grumbled, looking over his shoulder longingly. "Who put you up to this? Was it the dragon lady?" Ashley grinned.

"Some call her that," she admitted. "That's quite a woman you're marrying, Highness." Cass chuckled at that. Oh, if only she knew.

"If you want to be all formal, call me Caspian," he intoned in as snooty a voice as he could manage. Ashley smiled.

"Well, I'm supposed to send to you towards those two," she muttered, gesturing towards Peter and Ed, who were standing in a crowd of older politicians, probably talking legalization.

"Oh, joy," Cass mumbled, striding towards the group.

"As I was saying, it is proven that for medicinal purposes—" Ed started, just as Cass elbowed him. "What?" Ed growled, turning to face him.

"Speak of the devil," Cass said quietly, grinning and pointing at a nearby doorway. There stood Ed's sister, Lucy, in all her glory. She appeared to be dressed as a flapper, and happened to be smoking some unknown substance.

"Damn," a nearby gentleman whistled, staring at the woman in the doorway. "Who's _that?_"

"That's my sister," Ed mumbled in chagrin. "Dear Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed, what is she _doing_ here?!" Cass snickered, but his smile quickly turned to a frown when he saw Susan approaching Lucy at high speed. Knowing that something was probably going to explode, Cass and Ed rushed to the scene.

"Are you even wearing a _bra_?" Susan snarled just as they arrived.

"Yeah, hon. _You_ just can't tell 'cause you're not used to seeing real ones." Lucy grinned through the haze of smoke. "Your bazongas are just like Nicki Minaj's hair—fake."

"And shiny, and colorful, and talented," Ed added, trying to appease the now fuming Susan. "Hey, Lu, let's take a walk outside, shall we?" He muttered hurriedly, grabbing her elbow and tugging her elsewhere as fast as possible. Cass was laughing too hard to help. Suddenly, Susan turned towards him.

"What, you think this is _funny_?!" Susan growled, glaring in fury.

"Hilarious," Cass replied. "Are they fake? Your 'bazongas'?"

"I hope you die one rainy night and get buried in an unmarked grave by the side of the world's dirtiest highway," she said through her teeth. "Now collect your nearly nonexistent wits and go talk politics with the nice people who are here to see _us_ being a happy couple." Smoothing down her dress, which had become rumpled in the commotion, Susan headed towards a group of ladies that looked like Christmas trees.

"That woman is Satan," Peter muttered, appearing by Caspian's side. "Your life is over, man."

"Yeah," Cass said quietly, "I know."

…


	3. The End, The Revelation, and The Cat

_I can't believe me_, Cass thought to himself. He looked at Susan.

"Don't be such a bitch about it," she growled, rolling over and stealing all the blankets. "Or it's most definitely not going to happen again."

"I guess that's the end of that," Cass muttered, slipping out of the bed and pulling his shirt on hastily. "Happy honeymoon, blah blah blah, I'll be in the nearest bar, rethinking my life."

…

"So," Ashley said interestedly. "You're married. Congrats." She stood in the doorway of the town house, with her delicate arms crossed.

"That's just it," Cass replied. "I think it's going to work out." Ashley grinned.

"What do I have to do with this?" she asked, looking slightly puzzled.

"I don't know," he replied, shrugging. "You saved me from a tree…I guess I considered it the moment you became my guardian spirit, or something." Ashley's eyes brightened.

"I didn't find you by myself," she replied. "Did I tell you about who actually found you?" Cass shook his head and waited for her to finish. "Some cat," she added, "some stray cat—an orange tabby, I think—scratched at my door and then bounded up there with you."

…

_Author's Note: Yeah, I wanted this to be over. But that ending is a teensy bit interesting, don't you think?_


End file.
